trying to "lelax": getting a massage with a not-so-happy ending

last week, my friend and i decided to get massages;  due to less than favorable, personal economic circumstances, i haven't had many massages, but i know that i always feel like a million bucks afterwards.  i work on my feet all day, so the thought of someone oiling me up and kneading me like pizza dough for 90 minutes is very appealing.  treating myself to a massage seemed like a great way to relax and feel great. not so much.

we decided on a place to go and made appointments for the next day.  when we arrived, a small Asian woman lead us into a room with two beds. how romantic: a couples massage.  well, i was excited, so i immediately started taking off my clothes* and got on the table ready for a rub-down.  i was still in my bra and undies, as i figured that was the more modest thing to do with another person in the room. 

 once my friend and i were settled, the ladies came back in the room and asked us to lay on our stomachs.  i flipped over and almost immediately, my massage was underway.  she started on my shoulders and upper back and undid my bra. i figured this was normal because it would have been uncomfortable otherwise.  after a few minutes, i started to relax and go into a daze.  soon, i was lulled by the pan-flute version of "i swear" by all-for-one (i'm serious.  there is a massage remix of the 90's hit) and then it happened. she pulled down my underwear and started rubbing oil all over my butt. i wish there had been a camera beneath the table to capture what my face looked like, wide-eyed and shocked in that little donut hole.  i started giggling and was biting my lip as she continued to massage my derriere and then she finally worked her way back up towards my shoulders, but then magically she found her way right back to my butt.  i'll spare the nitty-gritty details, but i will say that my gluteal region received more attention than any other muscle group during the 90 minutes.

just when i thought the worst was over and had composed myself, homegirl mounts me like a horse and starts going from lovin' on my tush to shaking my head and tossing my hair around.  that's when the giggling started again.  the combination of tickling, pain and shame resulted in me clenching my back muscles so that i wouldn't laugh (or cry) outloud.  i guess my molestor massage therapist could sense my tension so she whispers, "Lelax." now i'm dying. i feel as though i'm going to burst into laughter at any moment. i clench even more. this upsets my butt-jockey so she whispers loudly, "LELAX!" now all i'm thinking is, "i'm trying to lelax, but i can't!" so what does she do? she starts kicking my calves rapidly with her feet.  at this point i feel less like a massage client and more like 1/2 of a disturbing bachelor party act.  i'm laying on a table, covered in oil, undies around my knees with 100 pounds of Asian fury on top of me...and i was paying for it.  when will it end?  then i realized i was only halfway through the ordeal! oh my god, what is she going to do to me when i flip over?

lelax...i'll spare you.

 

just so no one thinks i'm embellishing.  here is my "after" pic for my lelaxing massage.

*author's note: excitement doesn't always lead to this blogger stripping...just some of the time;)

i can give it all on the first date: a make-out post

i'm having a bit of a blogdenity crisis.  i miss being the caper.  i'm not blogging about life in cleveland anymore so where does that leave me? single and loving it, but also missing the simple pleasures of having a boyfriend.  so, as of late, making-out has been on the brain. sue me; i'm in the mood to smooch. sometimes i long for the days of middle school when all we needed was a little french-kissing and some heavy petting.  it was all so uncomplicated, yet so satisfying.  my friends tease me for longing for the seemingly "tween" sexual encounter, and more so for being so selective with whom i lock-lips.  what can i say? i'm picky.  

a great make-out sesh isn't complete without a great soundtrack.  daydreaming about kissing left me thinking about songs that are apropos for the occasion. so in the spirit of this cleveland blog, i have created a make-out mix. check it out:

1.  staring at the sun - tv on the radio

2.  everyday is exactly the same - nine inch nails

3.  say it ain't so - mozella

4.  set fire to the third bar - snow patrol

     5.  wonderwall - ryan adams

6.  stars - the xx

  7.  what if you - joshua radin

8.  the great shipwreck of life - iamx

  9.  hold you in my arms - ray lamontagne

 10. running up that hill - placebo

11.  fly away - poe

12.  into dust - mazzy star (i mean, it's not a make-out mix without a little mazzy star)

see? don't these two look like they're having a great time? - photo by nan goldin

a little bit of music goes a long way.  feeling frisky? try my mix...or make your own and let me know about it.

*applies chapstick*

ok, now who wants to make-out?