insomnivision: episode 1

so, i don't sleep very often. i don't know why. i guess if i did, i would be able to fix the problem and catch some zzz's. but alas, most nights (tonight being no exception) my brain refuses to shut off and i'm left lying in bed, perusing the internet for answers to questions that my 2 am brain asks. my 2 am brain doesn't want to know things that my daytime brain wants to know. instead, it wonders things such as, what ever happened to this? or is this ever happening?!?!?!? and then there are youtube and the hypemachine which are the two of the most mind-fucking-time-sucking websites ever made. sometimes i just don't know what to do. so, i figure, as long as i'm up, i might as well blog my brains out.

i've decided to share my insomnia in the form of the little gems i find out there on the internet. so, welcome to em's insomnivision! if you're up, i feel your pain. feel free to share your favorite ways to not sleep or even better, ways to get to sleep!

here's "episode 1," one of my favorite videos of all time, courtesy of the limousines. i mean, it's a catchy song, the lad singer reminds me of jared leto and there are zombies and confetti. what more could you ask for at 2:33 am on a wednesday? oh, that's right. sleep.

nitey nite!

RIP to my love mobile: an automotive eulogy

After 7 1/2 years, my trusty truck went to the great dealership in the sky last week. I know a car is a car, but I guess I got a little attached to the old iron horse. This car brought me across the country twice, from Jersey, to Phoenix, to Cleveland, allowing me to make several moves to experience new places.

You've been packed with coolers and camping equipment and overpacked with passengers on trips to phish festivals and weekend road trips. You've been my bedroom for a few nights and a steering wheel to cry on and an a recording booth to sing in. We've grown up together and logged miles of memories together. If I was the designated driver, then surely, you my carriage of safety for my passengers. I'm sad to see you go, sweet prince of tailgating, great guzzler of gas, mover of other people's furniture; it's because of you that my adventures were possible. Now you are off to help make dreams come true for the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

Thank you, car. Thank you.

if they can add an astrological sign, i can add a holiday: welcome to Mr. Frosty Day

*Seinfeld Voice*

What's the deal with the new astrological sign? I mean, did Dionne Warwick get bored of not doing psychic commercials or something.

I don't get it. First, they take away the tan M&M and replace it with the stupid blue one. I'm sorry, but the forsaken tan M&M will always be my favorite. Bring it back! Second, they announce that the brontosaurus isn't a brontosaurus anymore. Then, they say Pluto isn't a planet; they stripped the poor, little orb of it's "planetry" and now it's time to f@$k with the zodiac. What does it all mean? It means I'm not crazy.

This controversy over the new zodiac calendar makes me feel as though it is safe for me to announce my new holiday publicly. One summer night I was hanging out (read: drinking heavily) with friends and I somehow started thinking about Christmas. Santa, the reindeer, Baby Jesus - they are each a part of the winter holiday, but poor old Frosty the Snowman has no special celebration...until now!

After giving the matter a lot of thought, I decided to right the wrong and give Frosty his own holiday. With that, Mr. Frosty Day was born. What is Mr. Frosty Day, you ask? Ok, OKAY! I'll tell you. The following elements make Mr. Frosty Day:

1. It takes place on the FIRST day of snow accumulation (more than 1 inch of snow)

2. Depending on the severity of the snow storm, there may be a "Mr. Frosty Day Observed." This is because Mr. Frosty Day is meant to be a snow day with no work or school, so if the first snow accumulation isn't enough to shut down schools and businesses, then it is to be observed on the next available day with snow.

3. The holiday menu should feature frosty treats, such as ice cream, milkshakes, slushees, and the aptly named Frosty from Wendy's. Celebrants may pair these frozen delights with warm food such as soups, chili or stews as they see fit.

4. Frosty activities! Break out your sleds, skis, snowboards, and ice skates! Make snow angels, have a snowball fight! Enjoy the winter wonderland courtesy of the jolly snowman. DO NOT LICK ANY FROZEN, METAL SURFACES (or triple-dog dare anyone to)

5. Drink alcohol

6. Ideally, Mr. Frosty day would be celebrated in groups; the more, the merrier. Know a friend or neighbor who is snowed-in alone? Invite him over!

7. Drink more alcohol

8. Have warm, indoor activities planned so you may thaw out from the outdoor activities (movies, video games, karaoke, drinking alcohol)

9. Wear comfy, warm clothes. Footy Pajamas anyone?

10. Sing, "Frosty The Snowman" (once is mandatory...anymore is just festive enthusiasm)

It's a crime not to celebrate this jolly, happy soul

Like any holiday, feel free to start your own traditions and add your own "flava." My favorite aspect of Mr. Frosty Day is, unlike any other holiday, it's always a surprise! Christmas is always on December 25th, Thanksgiving is always the third Thursday in November, but Mr. Frosty Day is always a mystery. You wake up in the morning as BAM! It's there! (it is crucial to have supplies in anticipation of the day however as going to the store may not be an option). Additionally, Mr. Frosty Day happens in different places at different times. I could call a friend in Colorado to wish him a Happy Mr. Frosty Day, but he may have to wait weeks to return the sentiment. It's so simple, yet so complex, just like Frosty.

Well, there you have it: a new holiday, another reason to celebrate. If you're up in arms about the new astrological arrangement, just know there is something to look forward to. As for me, I don't put too much stock in the change and don't think it's anything to worry about. I think Frosty would agree. He'd probably just tell us all to chill out.

blogging from my death bed. who wants to give my eulogy?

every winter i get a good case of "the sniffles." you know, stuffy nose, sinus problems the usual.  well, two days ago i was i was pimped slapped with an ugly dose of the stomach flu and there is no end in sight.  not only have i been giving linda blair-esque performances in the bathroom, i've been fighting a fever and since i can't keep any food (or liquids) down and therefore feel so weak and have no energy to fight this evil cold.  it won't be long now...

may i serve as a cautionary tale to one and all! stay healthy by washing your hands, slamming emergen-c  back like it's shots of vodka and definitely curb the make-out sessions - just until the spring.

bedside view. yummy.

if anyone knows the miracle cure to this craptastic illness please leave it in the comments below, otherwise just kind words of remembrance.  "she was an honest girl..."

eat, drink, explore: my vacation to san francisco

It's times like these when I miss my old blog identity.  I would have loved to name this post "The Caper Goes On Vacation," - partly for the alliteration and partly because I miss talking about myself in the third person.  Anyway, after a little special inspiration, I booked a trip to San Francisco and two long months later, I'm here!

This city is amazing!  Let's remember that I'm a Jersey girl and come from the Land of Sarcasm and Unfriendliness (a generalization, I realize, but visit the Garden State and you'll know what I mean), so coming to San Francisco and being surrounded by so many laid-back, friendly people is a very pleasant surprise.  Those who know me aren't surprised when I strike up conversation with strangers; I love meeting new people and making new friends.  From the moment I stepped of the plane, I began encountering people who, not only made eye-contact and smiled at me as I passed, but were helpful and welcoming of a visitor. 

After exploring the city on my own, my friend and lovely hostess, Lindsay and I went over the Golden Gate Bridge to wine country.  I never thought much of it.  I mean, it's a bridge; how exciting could it possibly be? Well, maybe it's just me, but I thought it was breathtaking.  The structure itself is a sight, as is the view from it of the San Francisco Bay.  

Our trip over the bridge led us north into Sonoma county to the many vineyards and wineries there.  Our first stop was to the Armida Winery, with breathtaking views and a killer Poi Zin a zinfandel "to die for"...get it? it's funny.  I had an idea that Sonoma would be beautiful and sprawling; what I didn't expect was the autumn colored grape leaves.  Although California doesn't experience the traditional seasons that I'm used to from back east, all of the vineyards we passed were a bouquet of reds, yellows and oranges.  It made my first experience  in wine country that much more special.

                                   The vineyards of Armida Winery look like a beautiful watercolor

Our next stop was at the Twomey Cellars  for more tasting.  Having not utilized the "dump bucket" at Armida, Lindsay and I were feeling relaxed and ready to sip more vino.  Our pourer, Ann was not only knowledgeable, but so friendly that after tasting all of the wines and chatting, she offered to give us a tour of the facility.  We felt so VIP.  I learned so much about the bottling process and was also schooled on my taste in wine.  I wrote of Merlot long ago as dull, simple red wine, but after tasting Twomey's 2006, I was blown away by the tasting notes and complexity of it.  It was, by far my favorite wine of the day.  If I close my eyes, I can still taste the butter cream and spice that lingered after a sip. 

Twomey Cellars 2010 Pinot Noir...I wanted to roll a barrel home

We visited a few more wineries after this, but as we stuck to our "no dump bucket" policy, I'm a bit hazy on the details of those visits.  I think everyone should visit wine country and see how much love and attention goes into making this age-old libation. 

After keeping it classy wine tasting in Sonoma, I was hell bent on sating my 4 year craving for In-N-Out Burger. I first had the delicious fast food on my trip to Los Angeles 8 years ago. I can safely say it was love at first bite.  The delectable, fresh-cut french fries and super yummy beef patty and fresh buns are only enhanced by ordering one's burger "animal style" which is with grilled onions and secret sauce.  If you've never had In-N-Out, then you haven't truly lived.  My plane ticket was worth the meal alone.   

A #3, "animal style" is a thing of beauty

Fisherman's Wharf was a fun little trip, although very touristy and super cheesy.  After snapping a few pics of "The Rock" and watching some street performers do so acrobatics, I got to explore Alamo Square and the "painted ladies" or for any of my peers, The Full House houses.  Alas, no Uncle Jesse or Kimmy Gibbler sightings, but the park is really pretty and it was yet another example of how much San Franciscans love being outdoors.  It was great to see how many people ride bikes, run, play frisbee and lounge outside in the always cool and sunny weather. 

Makes me sing: "What ever happened to predictability, the milkman, the paperboy, evening tv?"

One thing I didn't want to miss on my trip was the gourmet food trucks in and around the city.  I learned Not only do these trucks offer amazing food at very affordable prices, they roam about the city and you can find their location by following them on Twitter.  
There are so many options, but I was most excited to try Chairman Bao's Bun Truck.  I found the truck parked at the top of Haight St. (with a bunch of other trucks too!) and the very helpful girl who took my order recommended the pork belly with mango slaw. I'm so glad she did, because it was so delicious!  I also tried Little Green Cyclo's sweet potato fries with coconut/chive and mango/mint dipping sauces.  Yum! If you're ever in San Francisco, you should not miss experiencing the food trucks like a local.

The finale of my trip was the Jets game on Sunday.  My only concern about taking my trip was that it was going to be the first home game I would miss in the stadium.  Where was I going to watch the game (with volume) in California?! Well, lucky for me , I didn't have to search long until I found the NY Jets fans in San Francisco on Facebook.  This group of diehard fans gathers every time the Jets play at R Bar in the city.  It was so great to be in my Jet's jersey among other screaming fans; I felt right at home...especially since we won! J-E-T-S, Jets! Jets! Jets!  

A little "Gang Green" in San Francisco

My trip to San Francisco was nothing short of incredible and I can't wait to go back.  The city has so many interesting places to explore and even more friendly people to meet.  I really felt at home there and consequently, became quite savvy at navigating the bus system.  I highly recommend San Fran as destination to anyone looking for a fun and dynamic vacation.  There is so much that I didn't get to see and do and it was a bit difficult to get on the plane home.  I love San Francisco; I guess you could say I left my heart there.

i'll take the physical challenge: a daring, high-heeled post

From the time I was a baby, I have always been motivated by challenges.  When someone tells me I can’t do something, it fuels my desire and ability to prove them wrong.  I guess sometimes I need a little push in order to realize my potential.  

My mom loves to tell the story of how I learned to walk.  As the first grandchild on my father’s side, I was constantly being held and passed around and hadn’t yet learned to get around on my own.  As far as babies go, I was a real chunker and one day my mom decided I was too heavy to carry and set me down in the grass and walked away from me.  She said I reached my sausage-link arms in the air so she would pick me up, so she said, “if you want me, come over here.” Apparently, this made me very angry and after a few minutes of tantrum, I slammed my tiny fists on the ground, stood up, and walked over to her screaming.  Viola! I could walk.

see? i wasn't kidding about being a chunky baby. 

My next challenge came when I was five years old and my extended family was on vacation at the Jersey shore (fist pump!).  Family friends came to visit for the day and they had a daughter who was a bit younger than I.  We were all sitting around the living room and the girl's mother was explaining how her daughter had just learned to read.  The girl took out a book and started to read aloud; everyone was impressed - everyone except me.  Maybe I just didn’t like the attention she was getting, but I walked over to the coffee table, picked up a copy of Tikki Tikki Tembo, cracked that sucker open and started to read as though I’d been doing it for years. Brat.

The next time I can remember acquiring a skill after being dared was when I learned to ride a two-wheel bike.  My little brother, Mr. I’m-Awesome-At-All-Things-Physical, started riding his bike without training wheels and I still couldn’t.  One summer day, he was outside riding his bike with some friends.  As they rode down the street, on their way to the pool my mom asked me if it bothered me that my younger brother knew how to ride a bike and I didn’t.  She told me I’d be missing out on fun if I didn’t learn and didn’t understand what I was waiting for.  No more waiting necessary. I grabbed my pink, Desert Rose Huffy, hopped on the banana seat in my Umbros and after a few wobbles was peddling down the pavement towards the pool.

What's the deal? I'm confident and capable, so why do I wait to be pushed to a precipice in order to gain new skills? I’m a pretty fearless individual, but I’ve never been able to figure out what it is about my personality that thrives on being dared to do something. 

Recently, I was faced with the daunting task of walking in high heels.  Although I may make feminists cringe, I did it for a guy.  I mean, not really for him but because he liked the idea of seeing a tall girl in heels.  I guess I took it half as a challenge and half as a way to impress him. Sue me.  Being 5’ 11”, I don't wear heels often because I don't need to; it's not uncommon for me to be the tallest person, let alone girl in the room.  I find that most guys are intimidated (turned off?...let's go with intimidated) by by height, so I rock flats most of the time. Ok, I guess I need to admit that the other reason I don't often don a pair of stilettos is because I have trouble walking in them. What girl doesn't love standing in front of the mirror looking at her legs in a pair of heels?  Go on, I dare you (get it?) to do it and not develop an immediate crush on yourself.  Standing in heels: no problem. Out on the town in heels: I feel like I'm being punished for a crime I didn't commit...until recently.

a view from the top: my slutty halloween get-up, complete with 4 inch heels

Maybe it sounds very Betty Draper of me to be learning to walk in heels because a guy said he liked it.  I'd be lying if I didn't say that's what got me to DSW in the first place, but after trying on a few pairs and walking around I thought, "I can do this!" I can bring the way I feel standing in front of my mirror together with walking like Heidi Klum on the runway.  I wanted to do it, for myself.  So, three pairs of heels later, I had a new challenge.  

My test run was out to the bars.  I was nervous, scared and my toes were totally pissed but i put on a pair of skinny jeans and the 4" Steve Madden platform pumps and hit the town.  Because I get a lot of comments on my height, I wasn't looking forward to making the leap from 5'11" to 6'2" but as I entered the first watering hole, I didn't feel any taller than usual and I noticed I wasn't nearly the tallest person in the room.  Better yet, I wasn't dying of discomfort and was surprised at how easily I could maneuver in my lofty footgear.  I was so comfortable in fact, I decided to hit the dance floor.  I thought I was just shuffle away from a broken ankle, but after 3 songs, I was still standing!  

Going home that night, I realized that walking in heels wasn't as difficult as I made it out to be.  Actually, it made me feel beautiful and confident.  Since practice makes perfect, I wear heels out often now and I can say that I walk in them like a champion!  I love the way I feel when I master a new skill, now I just need to learn how to push myself to do it.

Although, sadly, things didn't work out with Mr. Heels, I would love to thank him for my new ability (seriously.  I kind of feel one step closer to being a superhero).  Thanks guy! Now, I can and will walk for miles in any sized heel you throw at me.  I may even be able to play basketball in a pair of these bad boys.  Anyone want to dare me?

my non-dairy, coconut milk soyshake brings all the boys to the yard

it's been 53 days since i've consumed dairy and i've felt every one of them.  i've known that i am lactose intolerant for years but have always taken lactaid pills and avoided crazy amounts of dairy.  well, that stopped working and the tummy aches became unbearable, so after a bit of research i discovered that if i allow my body time to rebuild the enzymes necessary to break down lactose that i may be able to enjoy it again in moderation.  so i have committed to 1 year with no dairy to see if it works.  so far i've been feeling great, no stomach pain and actually a lot more energy (haha! although i don't think i lack any of it to begin with).

that was always my problem with dairy: moderation. i love milk and cheese! i used to drink a gallon of milk in 2 days by myself (maybe that's why i'm 8' 4"?), and don't even get me started on ice cream!!! this dietary modification means i had to end things with my boyfriends, ben and jerry and now find myself daydreaming of a soft serve vanilla cone with rainbow sprinkles on a regular basis.  it's gotten pretty bad.  i don't know if i can make you dairy-eaters out there understand.  let me put it to you this way, if i had to choose between ryan reynolds showing up at my door without a shirt on ,or someone holding a grilled cheese sandwich and thick, chocolate milkshake, i'd have to think for a second. now, ryan reynolds showing up at my door WITH a grilled cheese and chocolate milkshake? um, that's fodder for another blog post all together.

i will be the first to admit that i am shocked at how disciplined i've been since making this decision.  i am also shocked by how dairy seems to be in everything!  i have switched to soy milk and coconut milk and even made myself a pretty slammin' pseudo-milkshake using chocolate soy milk and chocolate coconut milk "frozen dessert."  on the other hand, i tried soy cheese pizza and dry-heaved a bit it was so gross.   it was the same with soy yogurt (*puke*).  it's been a bunch of (albeit, very expensive) trial and error and although i can find alternatives, there really isn't a substitute for the real thing.  i'm not giving up though.  i will continue to live in the absence of dairy for another 312 days in hopes that it will make a difference.  

can anyone recommend any acceptable alternatives to lactaid-laden products out there?

that's right kelis, rub it in! i know how the boys feel.